Sunday, March 2, 2014

Should we talk about the weather

I don't consider myself much of a conversationalist. I am one of those people who actually is completely comfortable during awkward silences... they're not awkward for me. Of course I am capable of mindless chit chat. Truth be told, I rather enjoy it. Correction: I used to enjoy it. For the most part I rely pretty heavily on the weather and sports to get me through most doormen, longer than normal elevator rides, bathroom queues, grocery checkouts, waiting rooms, service professionals, etc. The problem is, my main topic, "the weather," has gotten to be unbearable to talk about, mainly because it's all anyone is talking about.

Back in the day, it used to be enjoyable to mention the groundhog or snow accumulation or the chance of an ice storm. I used to appreciate the odd joke about tap-like runny noses. I delighted in dropping facts like the percentage of heat lost through your head when you don't wear a hat.* I relished those strange few days in January that would be unseasonably warm and allow us to reminisce about autumn or look forward to spring. But that all changed this winter. Enter the winter with no break, no relief, just cold: a constant battering of wind, record-low temperatures, snow storms that bleed into each other, excessive days of cancelled school, poorly plowed roads, and the non-stop dialogue of anyone to anyone about it all.

I've got nothing left. I'm bored with it all. I'm bored of everyone complaining about the weather, myself very much included. I'm sick of getting dressed in layers upon layers yet never feeling like I can shake this chill. I'm tired of pulling on my heavy snowboots every day just because it's easier to navigate the random ice mounds on every other corner with them on. I'm over the notion that we should bake every snow day... having that many cookies in the house when you actually have nowhere else to go is so very bad. I am devoid of enthusiasm checking Facebook for a daily onslaught of snow drift photos and the kvetch-y statuses that accompany them. [Wow, yeah, that IS a lot of snow on your back porch. And yeah, we are also kind of bored staying inside, now that you mention it.] I'm tired of putting lotion on my hands so that they no longer give the appearance of the inside of a burnt scone: white, dry, flaky, in need of some clotted cream... oh, no, that last one's actually my belly. I am over it all. Well, nearly... this self-serving essay about how over it I am would be me truly getting over it all. After this I'll be done. I think.
Look, online friends! It snowed where I live too!
This winter has been great for some weather chatter, but even I have grown tired of the damn polar vortex. The polar vortex? This winter was so crummy they actually had to add phrases for us to use to discuss it. Ridiculous. The polar vortex reminds me of a good friend of mine from back in the day, El Nino... anyone? El Nino? La Nina? (sorry Spanish traditionalists, I have no idea how to get the curvy lines above the vowels, bear with me). These were weather patterns that got a lot of attention during a particularly bad winter back when I was in college. They were supposed to reappear every 4-7 years, and I'm sure they do, but I have never since heard about them with the same fervor as the winter of '99. I fear the same uninteresting fate awaits the polar vortex once we finally thaw out. (Yes, I keep reminding myself that this thaw has to happen. It just has to.) The polar vortex got hashtagged by Jimmy Fallon which is impressive, but I'm not sure we're going to remember it as anything more than a La Nina style excuse for a particularly sh!tty winter.

And how about the European Model? Never have I been so bored by a European model since, um, well, since the last time I met a European model... Ok, nevermind, bad example. Another new phrase to explain away this crap of a winter and it is all taking its toll on me.

Deep down, I fear the worst. I fear this winter is making me a bad person. Not like a bad person that inflicts harm on people, unless you count the pain of frostbitten noses, cheeks and finger tips that I regularly inflict upon myself and my daughter in the simple act of leaving the house. I'm definitely becoming a bad person that hates everyone and everything. And I don't even care much anymore. I easily shrug off the guilt of not chit chatting with people. I'm much happier to pretend that the hunched over stance of someone withstanding this cold physically prevents me from actually speaking. I am at the point where I am ignoring everyone. There are no stop-and-chats when you see someone you know on the street, thankfully a commonly held understanding. Hopefully there are no hard feelings come spring.

I know when it comes to winter maintenance I am lucky. They shovel outside of our building and the roads are cleared (or used to be with Bloomberg!) pretty quickly. It is not nearly as treacherous as some people have it out in the suburbs. But then, they have basements, and room to store Costco rations in spare fridges, and different levels to explore. I have a hallway, where my daughter has spent 99% of the time she has ridden her new Christmas scooter so far. She's getting pretty good and only bangs into the neighbors doors once in a while (again, I wish I cared more: sorry, not sorry). 
I have a CVS down on our corner, where we have taken post-nap "adventures" where she gets to ride in the shopping trolley (just like the suburbs!) and weave in and out of their glorious 24-hour aisles. But even the daily specials on holiday candy and toothpaste aren't enough. I'm done with this winter and have not got much left to say about it. So I'm going to go wrap up in my well-worn blanket, stick on a well-used movie and sleep, hibernation being the only viable option left. Somebody wake me when it's warm out again.

*Some think it's an old wives tale that you lose a high percentage of heat through your head. However no one debunks that you do, in fact, lose some heat through your head. Which leads me to wonder, what the F@#$ are the people that walk around without a hat on a 7 degree day thinking? I will seriously consider myself a VERY successful mom if my kid always knows to wear a hat when it's cold out. It does make a difference. I seriously cannot understand people that don't wear hats and it's getting to the point where it makes me angry. Oh warm weather, where are you? I need to not care so much about how cold every bald man's ears are. Come back! Come back! *

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hey, I'd love to hear from you... comments welcome!