Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Public Service Announcement

Public Service Announcement: How NOT to respond to the announcement: “I’m pregnant!”

I have read several essays on the topic: "Things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman." Today I would like to hone in on the precise moment of a pregnancy announcement. Just some helpful tips from your friend Miss Spartacus on what you should and should not say when someone gives you the very wonderful news about their pregnancy.

When someone tells you she is pregnant, please choose from the following list of approved initial responses:
1-"Congratulations!!" ("Mazel Tov" may also be appropriate and is also approved)
2-"That's great news!" OR "Yay!" 
3-"I'm so excited/happy for you." (If you are not that excited, or otherwise unimpressed, please just stick with #1)

You may then go on to other things like the inevitable asking of due dates, how the person is feeling, etc. If you must, you may then move on to providing unsolicited advice and the inevitable bevy of unfortunate information. You may not, under any circumstances, respond to the initial announcement with any of the following. 

The 10 worst ways to respond to someone telling you they are pregnant: (I know because these are some of the worst responses I have had the misfortune of receiving upon making my own special announcement)
For those of you that are pregnant and receive some of these responses, please see the appropriate response to each in parentheses directly following the comment. Even if you only say it in your head, it will alleviate some of your anger, trust me.

1-"Oh yeah, I've been thinking that for a while." (thanks, I’ve been thinking you’re a jerk for a while)
2-"And far along too, right?" (nope, but F you)
3-"Obviously."-this one includes a not quick enough glance down at my belly. (ouch)
4-"I knew it!" (well, aren't you clever... and a bit of an a$$hole)
5-"No sh!t." (go f#$% yourself)
Yes, 3, 4 and 5 are all virtually the same, but they each sting in their own unique way when delivered by different people.
6-"Twins?" (no you giant jerk-hole)
7-"I was gonna say something a few months ago when your face changed." (yikes. I'm only a few weeks pregnant so... ouch)
8-"Oh, that's why you look so puffy/tired/fat/haggard." (is it? Then what's your excuse?)
9-"Yes, your exhaustion is so apparent... are you getting any sleep?" (no, I'm not, but telling someone they look exhausted is mean, so F you)**
10-"Ah, that explains all the acne." (yes it does... oh and f#$% you too)

Special bonus: "Oh yeah, my husband pointed out your pooched out belly a few months ago. He tends to notice those things.” (A- my belly wasn't pooched out a few months ago, so ouch. B-If he notices stuff like that, your life must suck, so sorry about that. C-And oh yeah, just for good measure, F him.)

**This is a public service announcement within a public service announcement: There is no upside to telling anyone, pregnant or not, that they look tired. I'm not sure why people continue to do this, but it sucks and should cease immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.