This winter wrecked me. My last post, whenever that was (I could look it up, but I'm not going to), discussed my fatigue and frustration. That has now morphed into hopelessness and misery. It's not getting warmer and I have lost the will to try to be funny.
What do I have to be funny about lately? Sh!t's gotten weird.
Playing into one of my greater fears, a commercial airplane goes missing, and now, three weeks later has still not been found, though there have been some satellite image sightings of things that may or may not be from the plane. Seriously?
How about countries just storming into other countries and taking over? Did I miss something... do we do that now?
Or how about everybody laughing at John Travolta's public mini-stroke during the Oscars. Ha ha ha... he said a funny name!
Oh, and to top it all off, apparently I can't call my kid bossy anymore, even if she's being bossy. The fact is she is not displaying signs of managerial superiority, she's yelling "bring me my water now" without saying please... but referring to that as bossy and unacceptable is now a bad thing? What the f#$k is happening? And how am I supposed to process all of this with my head stuck in a frozen cloud? For the record, that "frozen" cloud is both literal and figurative. The cloud is partially from the extreme cold that I endure everyday and partially from the fact that I am singing "For the First Time in Forever" when I wake up to pee in the middle of the night and "Let It Go" when I roll over in the morning. My head is stuck in this cloud yet I'm supposed to wrap my head around all of this weirdness? This is not what my weather induced misery needed.
So instead of making sense of all this nonsensical stuff, I am choosing to celebrate my own laziness.
Some see laziness as a weakness, a fault. But I embrace my laziness. It helps make me the laid back, blasé person I am. So when people freak out about stuff, I think, yeah, that's worth freaking out about. I'll totally freak out about that at some point... maybe later this week.
Laziness is a terrible trait for someone who writes. It means I currently have a selection of about six different things I should/could/would write about. Chances are you'll here about one or two, and possibly not in the most timely fashion, but look out, I'm coming for you Chris Christie.
As a parent, laziness cuts both ways. Sure I have to get up and take care of this little human being all day instead of lying around eating bon-bons, but my laziness provides shortcuts that truly make the whole job a bit easier. To all of you Type A folks out there, you might want to skip the rest of this. It will only frustrate you to hear that people are taking shortcuts in life and then using that spare time to sit back and admire the ingenuity of the shortcut which gave them the time to sit back and admire... and so on.
So, in honor of me and my laziness I am giving you my top 5 lazy highlights (I think it's pretty obvious I wasn't gonna go for 10):
1-Walking into the kitchen one evening I noticed a crispy rice treat on the floor next to the pantry door. I left it there. The next morning I saw it again as I got the cereal out, but I chose to leave it there still. Later that day my kid asked for a snack and I simply pointed her in the direction of the crispy rice treat. I believe I can draw the line between people I like and people that annoy me based directly on the people that are impressed by me in that story and the people that are appalled.
2- I managed to avoid working out on one occasion due to the fact that I needed to stay lying down on my right side to get my congested left nostril to clear. I have since acknowledged the fact that standing up does wonders for balancing those suckers out. I am actually quite proud of how easily I can convince myself to do something ridiculous instead of something good for my mind, body and spirit. Ha, take that self!
3-I unplugged our printer a few months ago to put it away during a party. Despite its current location, six inches under the computer on a lower shelf, I have not managed to pull it out and plug it back in. In its absence, I have taken to cutting and pasting entire documents into emails which I then send to my husband and ask him to print at work, often going days before he remembers to A-do it and B-bring it home.
4-I once went jogging and had to hold my phone the whole time because I was too lazy to change it out of it's case and put it into the armband thingy first. My takeaway from that experience was: "holy sh!t, I actually went jogging!"
5-I realize that I could eat better, but vegetables take so long to clean and prep. I have an excess of celery in the drawer because I don't feel like washing the dirt and bugs off. I peel all my cucumbers because A-it's fun to peel stuff and B-I'm too lazy to wash them. Pretty much any vegetable that requires the least bit of effort doesn't do well in my house. That and the fact that cookies come ready to be consumed right out of the box.
I'm not gonna lie, I tried to come up with more examples, but part of my lazy genius is to not even bother to remember some of my laziest moments. Plus I feel you will hold me to a higher standard so that my tales of skipping proper makeup removal and tooth-brushing on some particularly lazy nights wouldn't truly impress you.
Ok, back to hibernation for me. See you when it's warmer. Oh wait... I think it's finally getting nicer out. What's this? I can come out of my cave? Joy! See you outside then. I'm free!
As a parent, laziness cuts both ways. Sure I have to get up and take care of this little human being all day instead of lying around eating bon-bons, but my laziness provides shortcuts that truly make the whole job a bit easier. To all of you Type A folks out there, you might want to skip the rest of this. It will only frustrate you to hear that people are taking shortcuts in life and then using that spare time to sit back and admire the ingenuity of the shortcut which gave them the time to sit back and admire... and so on.
So, in honor of me and my laziness I am giving you my top 5 lazy highlights (I think it's pretty obvious I wasn't gonna go for 10):
1-Walking into the kitchen one evening I noticed a crispy rice treat on the floor next to the pantry door. I left it there. The next morning I saw it again as I got the cereal out, but I chose to leave it there still. Later that day my kid asked for a snack and I simply pointed her in the direction of the crispy rice treat. I believe I can draw the line between people I like and people that annoy me based directly on the people that are impressed by me in that story and the people that are appalled.
2- I managed to avoid working out on one occasion due to the fact that I needed to stay lying down on my right side to get my congested left nostril to clear. I have since acknowledged the fact that standing up does wonders for balancing those suckers out. I am actually quite proud of how easily I can convince myself to do something ridiculous instead of something good for my mind, body and spirit. Ha, take that self!
3-I unplugged our printer a few months ago to put it away during a party. Despite its current location, six inches under the computer on a lower shelf, I have not managed to pull it out and plug it back in. In its absence, I have taken to cutting and pasting entire documents into emails which I then send to my husband and ask him to print at work, often going days before he remembers to A-do it and B-bring it home.
4-I once went jogging and had to hold my phone the whole time because I was too lazy to change it out of it's case and put it into the armband thingy first. My takeaway from that experience was: "holy sh!t, I actually went jogging!"
5-I realize that I could eat better, but vegetables take so long to clean and prep. I have an excess of celery in the drawer because I don't feel like washing the dirt and bugs off. I peel all my cucumbers because A-it's fun to peel stuff and B-I'm too lazy to wash them. Pretty much any vegetable that requires the least bit of effort doesn't do well in my house. That and the fact that cookies come ready to be consumed right out of the box.
Just open and go... green does mean "go" after all |
Ok, back to hibernation for me. See you when it's warmer. Oh wait... I think it's finally getting nicer out. What's this? I can come out of my cave? Joy! See you outside then. I'm free!
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