Saturday, April 27, 2019

The Crackers We Deserve

I suppose we have no one to blame but ourselves.

First they came with the shrinking candy bar sizes, and I spoke out because it wasn't just that my hands were getting bigger, the candy was getting smaller. King Size is a sham.

Then they came with the multiple sizes of rolls of toilet paper, and I spoke out, because it seemed egregious.
4 titan rolls = 874 regular rolls... no one said there would be math.

Then they came with the chocolate diamonds, and I spoke out because they spent years teaching us brown diamonds were bad, but then needed to sell their brown diamonds. #Capitalism

Then they came with this nonsense:

And here we go again.

Cheez-It, in their delectable, addictive, cheesy way, have decided that the crackers that accidentally got left in the oven too long shouldn't be thrown away in some valiant quality-control move, but rather re-branded as the cracker we've all been waiting for. This nonsense has to end.

Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for the marketing folks sitting around their conference table coming up with the words "Extra Toasty." They sleep fine at night. After all, it wasn't their decision to bring this product to market. Their job is to make people want to buy it, and they are just doing their job. But let's call a spade a spade. And let's call a burnt cracker a burnt cracker.

Please note: "#1 Requested Cheez-It Flavor" refers to nothing. Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry wouldn't sample the crunch of these cheesy delights and suggest additional bake time. There is no one out there eating a Cheez-It thinking to themselves, this could have done with another minute in the fryer.

To be honest, I don't even know the method by which Cheez-Its are created. Are they toasted, as the "extra" would suggest? Baked? Fried? Do they fall to Earth pre-packaged in all their crispy square glory and the "extra toasty" is a reference to global warming and the increasing effects of the sun's UV rays?

I don't have the answers. I only have questions. The main one being: do they really think we're dumb enough to fall for this?

*Checks state of the world*

Ah, um, I see. Well played Cheez-It.

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