Tuesday, January 19, 2021

For the First Time In 4 Years

It's Inauguration Day! It's Inauguration Day!

I made a video for it.

Please excuse the singing... when I grow up to be big and famous, I promise to hire professional singers to sing my dumb songs. But for now, please enjoy my Inauguration Day video.

As always, if you like it, share it. Subscribe to my channel because I think all that stuff matters and one of these days I am going to sit down and do the work to figure out why.



Thank you!

Friday, January 1, 2021

EAT ME

End of year reviews for 2020? Who would endeavor such a thing? There’s been way too much crazy stuff for one pithy catch-all list.

I spent most of 2020 thinking they will one day write volumes about the time warp of a calendar year; the year that felt like 20. And then I realized, the books on 2020 have already been written. No, not Nostradamus. That scamp never saw murder hornets coming. 


No, the books on 2020 were written by Lewis Carroll and are our childhood cherished stories of Alice in Wonderland.

Do you know a lot about Alice in Wonderland? Well, buckle up, you will.


The year 2020 IS Alice and Wonderland. It is a world of absolute nonsense. There was some scary stuff, but mostly just a lot of really weird sh!t. 


We are all Alice. Bored with our humdrum existence as it was on December 31, 2019, curiosity led us into the year that no one saw coming. No one, except Lewis Carroll, of course. Cast your mind back to the monotony of 2019. Miss it? Me too.


We have all fell down a rabbit hole in 2020. For me, it was Chris Evans’ dick pix, but for you it could have been fascism or sourdough bread or …. Ok, it was probably his dick pix for you too.

The key is zooming in...

We’ve been drinking potions at an alarming rate. 

It says "drink me" It would be rude not to

Alice can’t go through a door and then cries a pool of tears. Relatable.


Don't go outside? OK, I guess?

Alice meets the Dodo and asks him for help. The Dodo is in a “caucus race” (that’s what it’s actually called in the book!) where a bunch of characters that only appear in that one part all run around in circles with no clear winner… Y’all remember Iowa??


Can we even name all those candidates now? 

Donald Trump Jr. and Eric are Tweedledee and Tweedledum… not that they featured that heavily in the year, but I never miss an opportunity to call those two Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

It's uncanny


Alice goes into the rabbit’s house, finds something to eat and she grows to the size of the house. I’ve yet to find the cake that will make me smaller, but not for lack of trying... donuts don't work either, and I've tried those several times.


The Dodo suggests burning the house down with all their stuff inside, which is a tight analogy for leaving the Paris Climate Accord. You might not remember when he tries to burn the house down. You also might not remember the Australian Wildfires, but they both frighteningly happened. 


Yes, climate change is overwhelming, but maybe still "try" to do something?

There are the flowers that seem sweet when they think Alice is one of them, but then turn when they find out she’s different… the Karens.


I find the Karen thing funny, but my name is Lindsey... and not caring because it doesn't affect me personally, is kind of peak "Karen"


The states that legalized weed are the Caterpillar. New Jersey’s like, "Who R U? F this, we’re getting high!“

People were eating bits of mushrooms to bring them up or down… you guys, Lewis Carroll predicted microdosing!

Actual pic of Chris Christie on vacation

Oregon is the Cheshire Cat… "Weed isn’t going to cut it, we’re legalizing ALL THE DRUGS. We will get so high, all you can see is our smile."


We got your anarchy right here

The tea party guests wished us “a very merry unbirthday,” because what was time anyway? No one knew the date, so celebrate that!

Is it March-ember yet?

Brexit was the dormouse at the tea party: drunk and passed out in the teapot, and we had all forgotten about them already.


The March hare is the whisker I lived with the entire month of March because I was too depressed to pluck it.


The Mad Hatters -Hmmm, can you think of any mad hat wearers? I think it refers to the MAGA hats, although Rudy Giuliani is mad as a hatter, so there’s room for interpretation on that one.


At least this guy is smart enough to avoid the hair dye

At the tea party, they screamed “no room! no room!” That’s basically how we felt when the murder hornets showed up. Tell the fire tornadoes and toilet snakes that there is no room for more craziness in 2020. UFO sightings and locust swarms are enough.


The Nevada votes are the white rabbit… “I’m late, I’m late!” The white rabbit carries a pocketwatch, but Nevada is known for not having clocks in their casinos, so of course they were late.


Place your bets on blue

The Queen of Hearts is Covid 19… the evil looming presence that isn’t always seen, but is the cause of most of the bad stuff. It does what it wants and ultimately, it wants to kill us all.

No way but MY way

There’s a White King, because in 2020, of course there is.


Read the room dude

The playing cards are the loyal staff of the leader. They screw up and plant the wrong roses. Then they spend all their time, year round, painting the white roses red, or as I like to think of it: Four Seasons: Total Landscaping. This one has the unique distinction of being funnier in real life than in the story. Guys, they booked the Four Seasons - Total Landscaping. I just wanted to make sure everyone still remembers.


They booked the Four Seasons-Total Landscaping!


There are trials that are a farce (the impeachment) and others that have no legal grounds (the election ones).


The Queen’s favorite pastime is croquet. You might also call croquet: terrible golf, which is undeniably what Donald Trump plays… and played over 30 times while 2020 was raging. Sure, there is room for the comparison to Nero fiddling while Rome burns, but one literary analogy at a time people!!

Maybe flamingo clubs would help his game?

Steve Bannon got banned from Twitter for saying “off with his head” about Dr. Fauci. Which seems a little too on the nose, but Bannon has never been known for his subtlety.

They kind of look similar too, on a bad day for the Queen


I’m not sure if this analogy means I’ve done too many drugs or that I need to do more drugs… I think both are true at the moment.


Lewis Carroll, it should be noted, was allegedly a bit of a Jeffrey Epstein of his day. No, he wasn’t murdered… I mean the other Jeffrey Epstein thing, enabled by wealthy benefactors to continue his questionable relationship with children. And while Epstein didn’t make it to 2020, his story was consumed along with many others as we sat on our couches with our “curiosity.” Curiouser and curiouser. I mean, the Tiger King does sound like a character from the book that simply didn’t make the final edit.


Interestingly enough Charles Dodgson, pen name Lewis Carroll, died from pneumonia following influenza… guys, he died from flu! 


And we’re all sitting here just like Alice, wondering when someone is going to wake us the f#$k up already!


So wake me up when it's all over

“So many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.” - FAKE NEWS!


And that's just when I'm checking Twitter