Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Toddlers make the worst roommates

Clean, tidy, courteous, friendly, predictable, accommodating, respectful.
Maybe you have been lucky your whole life and always had good roommates. If so, you should be grateful. On the other hand, if Miss Patty Perfection herself greeted you that first day of freshman year or Obsessive Compulsive Dave shared your one bedroom during your young adult years, you know that sometimes roommates can suck.

Then we grew up and, if you're anything like me, assumed that all that silliness was behind us. Until the discovery of one unavoidable fact of parenthood: toddlers make the worst roommates.

These days I have a new roommate. She exhibits the same signs of insanity, voyeurism and selfishness as all the frightening roommates I have heard horror stories about. If an adult pulled even some of this crap, you'd send them packing and have their bed rented out on Airbnb before the door closed behind them. As parents, we just have to suck it up and try to make it through each day whilst trying to find a way to balance all of their possessions on high shelves where they can't reach them instead of having to actually throw them out, per our most recent threat. Personally, I have discovered we don't have enough high shelves.

12 Reasons Why Toddlers Make the Worst Roommates:

1-They have no sense of personal space
Sitting at the table enjoying your meal? Well now you've got someone squirming onto your lap. Lying on the couch enjoying a movie? Well this tiny roommate is going to come lie flat on top of you. At the very least, they're going to bury their feet into your ribs while you try to get comfy. No one should have to put up with this, especially since this roommate doesn't even pay rent.

2-They have no sense of possession
There is no "yours" anymore. It is either "ours" or more likely "mine," but "mine" is being screamed by the little lad or lassie at full volume. Even the things they have no use for, they want. Attempt to re-possess at your own risk. Yes, you try reasoning with them why your neti-pot is not for tea parties. Good luck with that.
Yeah, I get it... it looks like one of your toys, but it actually goes up my nose, thanks.
3-They have no respect for privacy
They walk in on you in bed, in the bathroom, on the toilet, in various states of undress, without knocking and very often without a purpose other than asking what you're doing.
This lack of appreciation for privacy extends to conducting phone calls in their presence. They possess a sense of entitlement to knowing who you are speaking to and believe that their conversation with you is more important, regardless of who you say is on the other end of the call. 

4-One word for you: floaters
These guys don't always remember to flush. Trips to the toilet go one of two ways: The first is fully discussed, at length and with great detail from the wiggling "I have to go" straight through the "come and wipe me," pausing in between to admire their work and pointing it out for you to admire too. The second scenario happens without your even knowing it, minus the pretty obvious pieces of remaining evidence: 1-the floater and 2-the questionably wiped bum and resulting marks in the undies.

5-They are selfish when it comes to food and drink 
They will finish any food or drink in the house unapologetically and have very little regard for what they should eat and where they should eat it.
Oh, did you want orange juice this morning? Well too bad, cause they've poured it all into a cup, topped it off with some milk and then left it next to the couch for you to find sometime between now and this weekend. And wait til you see where she left her cheese stick stump.
It's not even worth it to label your stuff since these bastards can't even read yet.

6-They ask you to do trivial, meaningless stuff simply because they "can't" or "don't know how," despite having actually accomplished said feat in the past
Examples: tying shoes, putting on a jacket, brushing teeth, cleaning up after themselves, feeding themselves, wiping themselves (*see floaters), anything they can think of in the middle of the night: water, covers, bathroom, etc. et al.

7-Their volume controls are all screwed up
They have not yet mastered their "inside voice" and end up screaming most of the time. In addition, and perhaps in relation, when they listen to tv, music, a movie, or those mind-numbing toy opening videos on You Tube, they do so at a volume level befitting the hard of hearing, not a small child in a small room with perfect acoustics.

8-They are easily offended by things they do and say all the time
They can be total drama queens. So if you pull any of the crap they do (stealing a french fry, touching them when they don't want to be touched, walking in on them in the bathroom, etc.) you can expect nothing short of a complete and total meltdown.

Now means now. Not five minutes from now. Not once you get the shampoo out of your eyes. Not once you put the baby down. Not once you send that email. Now. You have been warned.

10-They love to exaggerate
So there you are, making them lunch: cooking, preparing and providing a healthy, nourishing meal for them. You make the first mistake of not cutting the sandwich in half. They freak out and say they need it cut. A position they change immediately after you have two very even halves of a delicious sandwich staring back at you. This is somehow equated to the end of the known world to them. They will never eat again and you fear they may actually be telling the truth this time. But mainly because you swear you will never again give them that beautiful, well-balanced meal, or any damn meal, if this is how they act.

11-They will strip down and walk around naked no matter who is around
I've heard plenty of stories of the clothing-challenged roommates out there. This naked-ness is something they are going to have to get out of their system now because as an adult roommate, this ranks you as one of the craziest.

12-They don't clean up after themselves
I once had a roommate who left a bowl of ice cream on (and then in) the couch. No one is really sure how long it was there, but it was absolutely disgusting when we eventually found it. These little people can be equally disgusting, walking around with finger tips covered in hummus or bodily fluids and leaving Legos any-damn-where they please. As a warning to all who choose a toddler as a roommate: Legos will inevitably find their way to the underside of your foot when you least expect it. Good luck making it through stepping on a Lego and keeping your vow to never swear in front of your kids. F#$%ing impossible.

Make your peace with it, all of it, because we are stuck with them for the next 15 years. Right up until they can go be someone else's roommate and then come home and complain what a slob/animal/biatch/dolt/pain-in-the-butt their roommate is. Finally it may all make sense to them. Or they will continue to be the crappy roommate... just not yours anymore.
Oh man, the sadness of that reality is just too much for me to bear right now.
On second thought, enjoy those crazy, flamboyant, dirty little exhibitionists while you still can.