Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Hell-sea Market

This could be the silliest thing I've ever written, but here goes anyway: When did Halloween get so scary?

Yes, I understand that Halloween has always been about spooks and frights. And I know that in its purest form, before the slutty version of everything became de rigueur, the holiday was always centered around witches and goblins. But the Halloween I remember as a child and the one I find myself having to shield and explain as a parent are two very different things.

My main focus today is not Halloween in general, but specifically the way in which Chelsea Market chooses to celebrate Halloween. 

Chelsea Market is our local indoor gourmet food hall. They love a holiday, and tend to decorate the place accordingly. It is only a few blocks from our house, and I walk through there a minimum of two times per week. Nearly every time I walk through I am accompanied by one, if not both, of my children. I tend to avoid midday and weekends since it is a very busy tourist destination. In fact, I have bitched about the tourists here before. But my complaint today has nothing to do with the tourists, some of which, I will note, are small children. 

We attempted to walk through the other day, as we do regularly, but the kid wasn't having it. The whole place was decorated for Halloween, and there is no denying it, they sure do love Halloween. What I think they may have neglected to think about are any small children that may have also loved Halloween... before their visit that is. About halfway through our walk through she was buried so deep in my neck, arms wrapped snugly around my head, and was making the same noise as a crying puppy. It was heartbreaking. And from what I could see, she was justified in her terror. It was a classic example of those moments as a parent when you have to hold your shit together in the interest of the kid, where really I would have just pissed myself in fear. 

I understand Halloween is, by its sheer existence, meant to scare. I'll let you decide if I'm being too squeamish or if some of their decor is a bit overboard for a space regularly visited by children of all ages. Perhaps I just got off on the wrong foot, what with this guy greeting us on the way in, just sat in the corner:
Oh hey, what's up dude
Moving on. This next one was hanging overhead, welcoming us in. And we wonder where the fear of clowns comes from. This guy. All day.
Hi kids!
Next up isn't a dick in a box... although that might have been more appropriate for kids than this:
... put your junk in that box, and that's the way you do it
In order to read the sign warning you not to enter, you have to come face-to-half-face with this interesting character.
Thanks for the heads up
I'm not sure if this witch was ironic, or there just to prove that they also have decorations for young kids too.
Fire safety witch
 This next one is like little red riding hood, but slightly more terrifying.
Is it breezy in here, or is it just me?
Please do me a favor and give me the words I was meant to use to explain this next one to the kid, because like this guy, I was coming up short.
I can't feel my face when I'm with you... or my feet, now that you mention it
A tire swing! Just like at the playground. How sweet. Let's also ruin the playground for them while we're at it.
Push me! Push me!
I actually jumped back when I saw this one. That's a face only a mother could love, just not this mother.
Close your mouth dear, there's nothing to see here
 Beautiful home scene from this lovely family.
Hay baby!
No, not that baby... this baby. Which also sat up and hissed at the audience, just so you don't miss anything from these still photos.
Did I mention the baby had green shit coming out of its mouth?
When this is your comic relief, I think you've gone too far.
He's practically cuddly in comparison
In this next instance, they have scared my kid off the fountain, which should save me tens of cents going forward, so I guess I'm grateful?
Concisely answers the question of what's down there 
Hey man, what're you doing later?
Nothing really, just hanging out.
Which reminds me, I have to make a chiropractor appointment
 Another one for the kids, perhaps? Well it does have a baby face.
Nights are lonely, days are so sad
I found this next one off to the side. It does a great job of proving the point that they have decorations for the little ones while completely missing the point.
Well hello little guy!
 He'll be fine. His big brother was there too, just hanging in the middle.
I think I have those pjs 
 I'm pretty numb to it all by now, and you'd have to be, what with ones like this one still ahead of us:
Male pattern baldness is the least of his concerns 
 It's a shame my camera isn't better so you could see all the subtle details of this one's glowing face:
Burned into my memory
No, seriously, we're just about Halloween decorations for everyone... see:
And again, let's go after the playground and ruin the swings and any girls with long brown hair in one go.
Oh, hey, remember scarecrows? And pumpkins? And really scary faces artfully carved into pumpkins?
For the traditionalists
 Look, up in the sky, it's a bird. It's a plane. It's my nightmare for tomorrow night.
Be honest, does this make me look fat?
The trifecta of ghouls waiting to bid us adieu at the far end, just when we thought we were ready to look up from mommy's neck.
The Pointer Sisters have not aged well
This last one isn't scary, and there isn't anything funny about it, but it pissed me off. It was just one last giant "F@#k You Kid! Halloween is about us, not you!"
Boo hoo! Are you crying? You are? Yeah, well I get that.
I know, I'm a bit of a wimp. I will admit that. I don't watch horror movies. Ever. Never. When I was younger I couldn't watch the Thriller video after 8pm for fear of nightmares. This was a self-inflicted curfew, mind you. One that my mom never knew about. I just knew myself well enough to avoid it. But despite my wussiness, I think the decor is all a wee bit much. It's not enough to prevent me from taking her to collect free candy for me herself the troops. But it's bad.

Happy Halloween to you! Stay safe and sane!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hey, I'd love to hear from you... comments welcome!