Monday, September 8, 2014

Throwback this...

If you're anything like me, your Facebook feed of late has become an onslaught of ice buckets and gratitude lists interspersed with ill-advised political rants and the troll-y responses that come with. Shoot, even the Buzzfeed style lists and quizzes have become a bit of a snooze fest. I'm not saying I only want to see a specific type of update, or that I even know what I want to see. That's kind of the point. It was the variety that kept it interesting. Or at least in the case of Throwback Thursday, the predictability of knowing why every Thursday I'm looking at photos of you with missing teeth and funny clothes.

I harken back to the days of funny videos before they've gone viral, jokes, witty observations and photos of fun parties I wish I was at and your new babies. Sidenote: the baby will do just fine on her own, thanks. I don't care if they are 17 or 19 weeks. The onesie or adorable doily stating the week is cute, for the first few weeks... then it becomes ridiculous and unnecessary. Just give me a pic of your kid. Their exact age could not matter less to me, particularly those 30+ weeks when I have to do the math. Please don't make me do the math.

And just so we're clear, the first day of school photos don't count as cute pictures I want to see either. They might have before everyone did them, but since I've been getting them since early August (what up with that southern states?), they are just boring and aggravating. Yes, aggravating because they make me into both a judgmental mother who questions why you sent your kid  to school on the first day looking like a complete slob and an inadequate mother who realizes she doesn't have a cutely framed chalkboard and rainbow chalk to caption days like this and now feels guilty about that.

It seems that anything in excess on social media becomes so monotonous that I have to b!tch about it here... either that or start reading again. *gasp*

Maybe the antidote to my annoyance lies in the magic that is Throwback Thursday. Yes folks, there's no use fighting it, Throwback Thursday has officially caught on. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy seeing old class photos and pix of both questionable hairdos and nights out. But Thursday wasn't good enough for some people. Some people (read: the lazy ones, re-read: folks like me) can't get their sh!t together in time to make #TBT, and g-d forbid they should have to wait a whole week. No, those people have created Flashback Friday... Basically the lazy man's Throwback Thursday. But tardiness on posting old photos aside, perhaps the folks who came up with this idea were onto something: namely confining these types of posts to the one day (or two days) of the week and labeling them accordingly.

Seeing as the old pictures do tend to only come out on these two days (birthdays/anniversaries not included), perhaps I can suggest a few other days in an attempt to clean up my feed and get specific types of updates confined to just one day of the week. I imagine we're only a few choice hashtags away from organizing it all neatly.

First up: The nonsense. We've all read the random updates: "My back spasms remind me of the way my cat twitches in her sleep... bless" "Geese and ducks could be the same animal, if only they were" "*Insert obscure musical quote here.*" I'm not saying these are bad updates, just a bit nonsensical.
Also included in this pack are the weirdly personal questions that could easily be answered via Google, Yelp, Yahoo or one of the other thousand ways of searching for something on the internet, but people instead choose to post to everyone they know. "Anyone know a good dry cleaner near Elm Street?" is a great question for a local residents group you may belong to. As for everyone you know? Well, since you live in Arizona and I live in New York, I am thinking that this is not the best way to get your question answered.
For all these nonsense posts, I suggest we stick with Tuesdays. And so, in the style of #TBT, I propose the "Day Of Nonsense Tuesday." So if you have to ask all of your friends "I think I might have ringworm, what are the symptoms?" First, make sure it's Tuesday and second, #DONT.

Next up: The random and irrelevant.
"Just got home from the dentist... pretty sweet!" "Chicken or fish for dinner? Choices, choices." "Going downstairs to get a bagel."
We all know who the culprits tend to be out of our friends, and yet these updates are so boring, so innocuous it doesn't necessarily seem worth it to out and out de-friend the person solely off the back of them. Hey, I like strawberry smoothies too, but I don't think I really care just how much you love strawberry smoothies... or maybe I would care more if I only had to hear about it one day of the week? Mundane Monday anyone? Perhaps keeping these posts all on one day will make us re-read what we are writing and think about whether or not anyone else needs to know. In most of these cases the answer is 'no, they do not.'
Do us all a favor and #MuMo so we know you know just how boring you can be.

I understand there may be some spillover on the inane posts. Those who can't resist a "hump day" reference can have Wednesdays too. 
While we're at it, you might as well save all your food porn photos for Wednesdays. Because, let's be honest, who gives a sh!t that you made white rice and turkey for dinner. I don't need to know that, or worse, see it. Maybe if the turkey was shaped like Elvis or the rice had something nasty buried in it, but just a photo of your dinner? I'm all set, thanks.
So, step three of this hashtag proposal is relegating the useless posts to Wednesdays only. We can call it "Status Overshare Wednesday: Home-cooking And Trivialities." 
So when you post: "Steve and I are watching Thor tonight on the couch." Don't forget the all important hashtag #SOWHAT.

And finally, for those of us prone to the odd Bragbook. I totally get it, sometimes you want everyone to know the cool, fun, interesting, unique or just plain flash thing you're doing. And sometimes you want to promote yourself or the latest accomplishment(s) you have achieved. But let's call a spade a spade. If you're showing me a picture of your new (and very nice car), or a status update on how hard it is to find anything in your new house because it's so big, or links to websites celebrating your superior intelligence, let's just admit that you are "Blatantly Reveling in your Arrogant Grandioseness." Make sure to include the hashtag so everyone knows what's what. "My husband bought me flowers and cooked me dinner tonight for no reason at all! Best. Hubby. Ever. #BRAG"

"Oh, did I mention that we bought a new car? Why yes, I have been working out!"**
In fact, this is a pretty fun game I am now going to play, and I invite you to join me... because playing with myself is not as fun as playing with others (tee hee... I said "playing with myself"). I have been saving up ridiculous updates for some time now and I will be releasing them into the world as randomly as they appeared in mine.
If you don't already, please follow me on Twitter @missspartacus
Yes, if you are familiar with my writing, you know I have a tough time with only 140 characters. But I can post random thoughts or stuff that no one gives a sh!t about quite concisely. So, from now on, each week I will be sending out one or more tweets with #MuMo #DONT or #SOWHAT, and of course the odd #BRAG every now and again. Some will be made up by me, others will be pilfered directly from my newsfeed if they're too good to pass up. I encourage everyone to get in on the game and hopefully these days and hashtags catch on. Our news feeds, nay our lives, will all be better off for it.

Hey, the feeds have gotten so boring, I needed to come up with something to do. This seems like a good enough use of my time.

First up: Tuesday September 9: "Hi all, should I bring toothpaste on my flight to St. Barts?" #DONT #BRAG

**This is neither me nor my car

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hey, I'd love to hear from you... comments welcome!