Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Grosser than gross

With Halloween coming up, I figured I could write about all the horrible things that scare me in this world... but then I realized that would be a bit too "real" and then I'd probably freak you out too, and nobody wants that to happen. So in the interest of keeping it a bit lighter, I have made a list of the scariest things in my own home. This way if you're still freaked out, you don't have to avoid anything but my home.

Hairballs: The Movie
The way I see it, clumps of hair are better off on the side of the bathtub than going down the drain. But once in a while, in a rush to get out of the shower, get dried and dressed (preferably in that order), I forget the clump of hair dangling off the side of the tiling. It's my hair, so it doesn't creep me out, but I can only imagine what my husband, or even more embarrassingly, my cleaning lady, think of these inanimate furry creatures. 
check out the tail on that thing!

Humidi-fier in the hole
What is the deal with humidifiers? Are they necessary, or are they the worst things ever? Everyone said we needed one for the baby's room, and given my propensity for nosebleeds in the heavily heated days of winter, I agreed. But since the second month, when I accidentally set the thing to blow "warm" instead of cold, this thing has been a mold machine.
I do clean it out "regularly," but considering how absolutely foul it is each time I clean it out, that is clearly not enough.
"*gag* *dry heave* *gag*" - me, as I clean this thing out
Oh, and can we talk for a second about what a HUGE pain in the ass it is to clean? First of all, my hands/fingers were not built to get in between some of these crevices. The tool they give you doesn't even fit. And if you think I have two hours to spend with a Q-Tip, detailing this thing, you are seriously mistaken. The vinegar burns my hands off as I slave away over the sink... I'm certainly not rushing back to do it again soon.
I set out to find a humidifier cleaning service because I was more than willing to pay someone else to clean it. In hindsight, it makes complete sense to me why that doesn't exist. The job sucks and is impossible to do completely. There's always a tiny spot you just can't reach. And with customers in general being such huge pains in the butt these days, everyone would then complain that it wasn't done to their satisfaction and ask for money off. (Yes, years as a service professional have seriously jaded me). In addition, what could someone reasonably charge for this, given the fact that a new one costs about $150?
What? Oh, yes, I spent $150 because I opted for the top of the line "self-cleaning" one. What a load of BS that is. Technically, I could just buy another one for around $60 if I know that they are essentially disposable anyway. But that doesn't make me feel very green. I can't have that crap weighing down my carbon footprint. My back and forth shipping to Zappos is bad enough.
So I continue to clean it out to the best of my ability, and secretly pray that the recycled mold that gets spread in a fine vapor throughout my precious daughter's room is actually helping to strengthen her immune system instead of slowly making her sick. Fingers crossed! Cramped, wrinkled, vinegar burnt fingers crossed!

Hey, he seems like a funghi
Why do I continue to buy mushrooms? I don't have anything that I regularly make that involves mushrooms, yet every month or so I feel overwhelmed with a desire to purchase a pack of lovely white button mushrooms. They inevitably become some science project in my fridge as I sacrifice 24 sq. inches of shelf space, refusing to throw them away until they appear truly fungly. I don't understand how I manage to forget this every few weeks and make the same mistake all over again. Somebody please stop me.
"*gag* *dry heave* *gag*" - me, when I find the mushrooms decomposing in the back of the fridge

Brita filter water
I can't even try to blame the Brita people for this display of grossness. They give us a calendar sticker chart thing to remind forgetful folks like me when to change the filter. Or to remind me just how long it has been past the time when I should have changed the filter. I could easily say that this escaped my attention for longer than it should because I refill the thing at night when it's dark. But I should have noticed it sooner. It's pretty vulgar that the water I have been drinking comes through something that looks like this, 

or maybe this is where the bad stuff stays and the stuff that filters through is perfectly clean... yeah, we're gonna go with that.

Other stuff in my fridge
I might sometimes make fun of them for their in-your-face anal retentive behaviour, but I also kind of envy my cousins for dating each item they open when they put it into their fridge. They never have a "was this salsa from this year's Super Bowl party, or last year's?" moment. That is admirable, even enviable. I do not date my stuff, so I have regular, "who wants sour cream with their quesadill... ah, g-d it's furry... never mind" moments.

The "shelf life" of cereal rarely has anything to do with the actual time it spends on the shelf. For me, the lifespan of cereal goes from box, to cup or bowl, to chair or stroller, to floor. Sometimes it remains in sight, but sometimes it slips out of view (under bed, couch, table, closet doors). The way I judge the true shelf life of cereal is not only how it tastes out of the box, but also how it tastes weeks later when I am lying under my bed, reorganizing the contents of the storage boxes we keep there, and have to make the split second decision whether I am going to leave the piece of cereal there or eat it so I can get on doing what I am doing. Yes, I did do that. Because getting up to take a single Kick (I am assuming Kix is the plural, no?) to the garbage would have been just silly.

Vacuum: noun or verb?
While I am on this roll of grossing you out: clipped nails, be they from myself, my daughter, or my husband, don't always make it into the trash. Sometimes they disappear... kind of like some of the bogeys from my daughter's nose. One minute it is in her nose, the next I have removed it and it has disappeared. Kind of like magic, but much more repulsive.

Wow, I feel so much better having admitted all that. You, on the other hand, may feel much worse about coming over to my place ever again. Oh, you'll be fine. A little bit of dirt is good for our system. We're much better off than those crazy pants over-antibacterializers. (yeah, I'm looking at you Lauer)

Most of these things are scary... really they are just a bit gross. I could've titled the list: reasons why I am grosser than you, but I don't know how gross you are. You could be off the charts disgusting. Who knows. So we'll stick with the whole scary thing. And it ties into Halloween nicely, so there you go.

What's the scariest thing in your house? Are you gross too? Or maybe you just examine the contents of your tissue on occasion? Let he who is without the sin of being gross cast the first stone. And for the rest of you, confess away...


  1. I love this! Made me laugh (and hit way, way close to home, unfortunately)

  2. Hilarious! Laughed out loud the whole way through. Could totally relate to all of it (especially those weirdo anal cousins)! xoxo PS. I have a humidifier recommendation for you...

  3. I was born Gross, and at my core always will be Gross...even if on paper I'm a Collins. That being said...this list was really gross.


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