Monday, June 17, 2013

Park Life 2! Electric Boogaloo

I am no closer to resolving the anxiety and frustrations I have taking the kid to the park. As I mentioned before in Mommy Blah-gI am no closer to resolving the anxiety and frustrations I have taking the kid to the park. As I mentioned before in Mommy Blah-g, I often struggle between the two extremes of Type A Mom: pain-in-the-ass "perfect" mommy and Type B Mom: self-deprecating "scary mommy(tm)."

In general, I am more of a self-deprecating, imperfect mom than a pain-in-the-ass-perfect mom. I laugh along with the funny, if slightly inappropriate, moms out there, and I accept that that level of humor means I will never truly identify with the Type A's. I know I am not entirely a role model mom, and yet I am not exactly fearful of child services showing up.

I want to just let my kid run around and not give a sh!t, but it's not really possible. It's the park. There are rules, or at least that's what I like to tell her. Yet, every time I relax and let her go, there is a Type A Mom there to make me feel irresponsible somehow and I regret it instantly. Conversely, whenever I lean towards becoming a 'rule enforcer,' there are all these cool, normal moms that then think I am the Type A pain-in-the-ass-perfect mommy. I'm really not! How can I find a balance that I am comfortable with if I am neither allowed to reprimand other people's kids for doing bad stuff nor zone out, effectively losing my own kid within the gated area? The balance I currently have consists of g
reat teaching moments mixed in with epic parenting fails.

Is there such a thing as playground etiquette? There must be right? There is NO WAY I am the only one who is (hyper)aware of these things that seem pretty basic common sense.

My common sense park rules for both parents and kids: Even though I don't think we should have to write them out, I am doing it so we all have them here to refer to (that's the Type A mom talking). These rules benefit us all and would make park time infinitely more enjoyable if universally followed.

  1. Were you born in a barn? Yes? That's rare and fairly unsanitary, but I will let you off the hook. The rest of you need to close the gate behind you when you come in and out. Every park I have been to has a gate that locks. It is each of our responsibility to pull the gate closed behind us. If someone is also passing through directly behind us, we should stand there and force a creepy eye contact moment to make sure they have acknowledged their responsibility of closing the gate. If we knew the gate was going to stay closed, we could all relax a little and let the little ones go. But that is also dependent on #2...
  2. Do not let any lone children in or out of the park when you are entering or exiting. If we know that the gate is going to remain closed, and that when it is open a conscious, responsible adult is going to stop any little ones from making a break for it, we could truly relax, sit down, not have to watch over them every minute that we are there, and not feel like such a terrible caregiver if we do let them out of our line of vision for a minute.
  3. No hitting. I mean, come on. I don't want to have to say something to your kid if they're being an a$$, so let's just make sure they know this rule and save us all from that awkward moment. To all the true Type A's reading this, I know I'm supposed to comfort the victim and not focus on the perpetrator (yeah Baby Center psycho babble!), but F that... the reality is that I need my kid to see that the lesson is universal and that I truly believe that no one should hit, not just her. Oh, and when I say something, it is going to be matter of fact and not sugar coated. ("No. We don't hit," as opposed to "Whoopsydoodles! Please oh please keep your sweet hands to yourself darling little man!") Because yes, I say "no" to my kid and I don't really have it in me to be constructive and positive to your kid just because you don't use "negative" words when responding to my kid getting whacked - not in the mafia way, in the undisciplined child way.
  4. Don't let your kid play on any one swing/toy for too long when someone else wants it. There are the "park toys" - abandoned toys left for everyone's enjoyment, and the swings/slides, etc. Just be aware if another kid wants to use the thing your kid is using. If you have ever waited more than 10 minutes for a swing with a screaming child at your feet or in your arms, you know this is an important one. Which brings me to #5...
  5. Be patient and everybody gets a turn. This is a life lesson for the kids, but also one of the fundamental park rules. Obviously they can (and should) wait a bit, but everyone should get a turn. Plus I would much rather negotiate my next Word With Friends move than my kid's next turn on the filthy tricycle. 
  6. Speaking of the swings (I wasn't, but I needed a transition to #6), Don't let your kid run unattended through the swings section. Except for that one time when someone else opened the gate and let her in unattended, I totally follow this one. Thanks dude, for making me look like the irresponsible one when I found her in the swings section 30 seconds later! In the interest of full disclosure, someone else found her and tipped me off, but she was found, so everybody just calm down.
  7. If there is sand in your local playground, you may be unfortunate enough to have a kid who likes playing in the sand. My kid used to avoid the sand pit like the rat playground it is, but recently developed a love for it that I can best equate with a child having a thing for petri dishes... so very disgusting. And yet I'm not gonna be the one to tell her she can't play in there. I don't need her growing up with some weird sand fetish because I banned it early on. But where was I? Oh yeah... don't F#$%ing throw sand. Baby girl got a fistful of sand in the face recently. It was quick and unexpected and the thrower's mom dealt with it speedily and well. I promptly flushed her eyes out with water (my kid, not the thrower's mom), but I did feel terrible that her eyes were all red and irritated for the rest of the day. Plus, can you imagine what it's like to go from not knowing someone would ever throw a fistful of sand directly at your face from 10 inches away, to the cold hard reality of it happening? Must be as groundbreaking as going from never having thrown sand in someone's face to having actually done it. Life lessons, little ones, life lessons.
  8. Moving right along... Once you've slid down the slide, CLEAR OUT! Get off the slide so you're not blown away by the next kid coming down. This is definitely one of those lessons best taught by experiencing it, but it's worth mentioning here. I used to get all nervous when I took too long clearing her off that someone was going to yell at me. Arguably I just need to relax a bit since I rarely see anyone else doing the clearing thing. Speaking of, where the hell are these children's caregivers anyway? I get it, it's the park... time for your kid to run free and blow off some of that energy, but if they haven't mastered all of the common sense points listed here, they need to be watched a little bit closer than not at all. 
  9. Which naturally brings me to the next rule: Keep an eye on your kid and make sure they're following the rules. Teach them the etiquette and THEN set them free so you can go play on your phone for a bit. 
  10. And finally: Don’t tut-tut or tsk-tsk, give disapproving glares, roll your eyes at, judge, huff or do anything the least bit condescending towards any other caregiver at the park... unless, of course, their kid is being a major baby/child jerk and they are nowhere to be found. In which case... disapprove away!
I know, no one likes a rule enforcer, but everyone likes a rule follower. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Oh, and playing into a completely separate fear, I think I might sound like a bit of a helicopter mom here, but really I am not... far from it. In fact, I do strongly believe that children should take a few tumbles in the park so they can learn firsthand what not to do. I also believe that children will be better off in the long run for having resolved their own conflicts in the park without an adult stepping in. But I also think that learning some basic rules is key to a fun park experience as well as a good head start on some great life lessons. As for me, I'm just trying to get the kid swung, slid, and home for snack without getting into an altercation.
It's not about how fast she got there, not about what's waiting on the other side... it's the climb!


In general, I am more of a self-deprecating, imperfect mom than a pain-in-the-ass-perfect mom. I laugh along with the funny, if slightly inappropriate, moms out there (hello Baby Sideburns!), and I accept that that level of humor means I will never truly identify with the Type A's. I know I am not entirely a role model mom, and yet I am not exactly fearful of child services showing up.

I want to just let my kid run around and not give a sh!t, but it's not really possible. It's the park. There are rules, or at least that's what I like to tell her. Yet, every time I relax and let her go, there is a Type A Mom there to make me feel irresponsible somehow and I regret it instantly. Conversely, whenever I lean towards becoming a 'rule enforcer,' there are all these cool, normal moms that then think I am the Type A pain-in-the-ass-perfect mommy. I'm really not! How can I find a balance that I am comfortable with if I am neither allowed to reprimand other people's kids for doing bad stuff nor zone out, effectively losing my own kid within the gated area? The balance I currently have consists of g
reat teaching moments mixed in with epic parenting fails.

Is there such a thing as playground etiquette? There must be right? There is NO WAY I am the only one who is (hyper)aware of these things that seem pretty basic common sense.

My common sense park rules for both parents and kids: Even though I don't think we should have to write them out, I am doing it so we all have them here to refer to (that's the Type A mom talking). These rules benefit us all and would make park time infinitely more enjoyable if universally followed.

  1. Were you born in a barn? Yes? That's rare and fairly unsanitary, but I will let you off the hook. The rest of you need to close the gate behind you when you come in and out. Every park I have been to has a gate that locks. It is each of our responsibility to pull the gate closed behind us. If someone is also passing through directly behind us, we should stand there and force a creepy eye contact moment to make sure they have acknowledged their responsibility of closing the gate. If we knew the gate was going to stay closed, we could all relax a little and let the little ones go. But that is also dependent on #2...
  2. Do not let any lone children in or out of the park when you are entering or exiting. If we know that the gate is going to remain closed, and that when it is open a conscious, responsible adult is going to stop any little ones from making a break for it, we could truly relax, sit down, not have to watch over them every minute that we are there, and not feel like such a terrible caregiver if we do let them out of our line of vision for a minute.
  3. No hitting. I mean, come on. I don't want to have to say something to your kid if they're being an a$$, so let's just make sure they know this rule and save us all from that awkward moment. To all the true Type A's reading this, I know I'm supposed to comfort the victim and not focus on the perpetrator (yeah Baby Center psycho babble!), but F that... the reality is that I need my kid to see that the lesson is universal and that I truly believe that no one should hit, not just her. Oh, and when I say something, it is going to be matter of fact and not sugar coated. ("No. We don't hit," as opposed to "Whoopsydoodles! Please oh please keep your sweet hands to yourself darling little man!") Because yes, I say "no" to my kid and I don't really have it in me to be constructive and positive to your kid just because you don't use "negative" words when responding to my kid getting whacked - not in the mafia way, in the undisciplined child way.
  4. Don't let your kid play on any one swing/toy for too long when someone else wants it. There are the "park toys" - abandoned toys left for everyone's enjoyment, and the swings/slides, etc. Just be aware if another kid wants to use the thing your kid is using. If you have ever waited more than 10 minutes for a swing with a screaming child at your feet or in your arms, you know this is an important one. Which brings me to #5...
  5. Be patient and everybody gets a turn. This is a life lesson for the kids, but also one of the fundamental park rules. Obviously they can (and should) wait a bit, but everyone should get a turn. Plus I would much rather negotiate my next Word With Friends move than my kid's next turn on the filthy tricycle. 
  6. Speaking of the swings (I wasn't, but I needed a transition to #6), Don't let your kid run unattended through the swings section. Except for that one time when someone else opened the gate and let her in unattended, I totally follow this one. Thanks dude, for making me look like the irresponsible one when I found her in the swings section 30 seconds later! In the interest of full disclosure, someone else found her and tipped me off, but she was found, so everybody just calm down.
  7. If there is sand in your local playground, you may be unfortunate enough to have a kid who likes playing in the sand. My kid used to avoid the sand pit like the rat playground it is, but recently developed a love for it that I can best equate with a child having a thing for petri dishes... so very disgusting. And yet I'm not gonna be the one to tell her she can't play in there. I don't need her growing up with some weird sand fetish because I banned it early on. But where was I? Oh yeah... don't F#$%ing throw sand. Baby girl got a fistful of sand in the face recently. It was quick and unexpected and the thrower's mom dealt with it speedily and well. I promptly flushed her eyes out with water (my kid, not the thrower's mom), but I did feel terrible that her eyes were all red and irritated for the rest of the day. Plus, can you imagine what it's like to go from not knowing someone would ever throw a fistful of sand directly at your face from 10 inches away, to the cold hard reality of it happening? Must be as groundbreaking as going from never having thrown sand in someone's face to having actually done it. Life lessons, little ones, life lessons.
  8. Moving right along... Once you've slid down the slide, CLEAR OUT! Get off the slide so you're not blown away by the next kid coming down. This is definitely one of those lessons best taught by experiencing it, but it's worth mentioning here. I used to get all nervous when I took too long clearing her off that someone was going to yell at me. Arguably I just need to relax a bit since I rarely see anyone else doing the clearing thing. Speaking of, where the hell are these children's caregivers anyway? I get it, it's the park... time for your kid to run free and blow off some of that energy, but if they haven't mastered all of the common sense points listed here, they need to be watched a little bit closer than not at all. 
  9. Which naturally brings me to the next rule: Keep an eye on your kid and make sure they're following the rules. Teach them the etiquette and THEN set them free so you can go play on your phone for a bit. 
  10. And finally: Don’t tut-tut or tsk-tsk, give disapproving glares, roll your eyes at, judge, huff or do anything the least bit condescending towards any other caregiver at the park... unless, of course, their kid is being a major baby/child jerk and they are nowhere to be found. In which case... disapprove away!
I know, no one likes a rule enforcer, but everyone likes a rule follower. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Oh, and playing into a completely separate fear, I think I might sound like a bit of a helicopter mom here, but really I am not... far from it. In fact, I do strongly believe that children should take a few tumbles in the park so they can learn firsthand what not to do. I also believe that children will be better off in the long run for having resolved their own conflicts in the park without an adult stepping in. But I also think that learning some basic rules is key to a fun park experience as well as a good head start on some great life lessons. As for me, I'm just trying to get the kid swung, slid, and home for snack without getting into an altercation.
It's not about how fast she got there, not about what's waiting on the other side... it's the climb!


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