Monday, May 6, 2013

What's all the cuss about??

I come from a long line of cursers. My mom is a curser, my... well, that's about it. Not really that extensive, but I've been around curse words my entire life. The effect it has had on me is one of complete desensitization. I use curse words, often. I use them as descriptors, adjectives, nouns and sometimes just for effect. It doesn't mean very much to me, but I am aware of the fact that it does mean something to other people.

I try very hard to not curse around strangers and elders. It is out of respect to them. Similar to when I used to smoke, I would never smoke around my friend's parents. Not because I didn't want them to know, but because I felt like it was somehow disrespectful to do that around them. Well, maybe I also didn't want them to know, but as a non-smoker these days I am aware of how naive that was... I reeked!!

But cursing is much easier to slip in around people you respect, when you feel comfortable enough. These days cursing is easier than ever. Somehow, we have invented multiple publicly acceptable ways of cursing. In print it involves using a hodgepodge of punctuation marks in place of certain letters in curse words. It is, essentially, the pu$$y's way of cursing. I'm basically putting the word out there, but I am able to feel less crass because I didn't properly spell it out. Genius... f#$%ing genius! What? I didn't say it! And on film you just say it and leave it for someone else to bleep. Lazy, but BLEEPing effective.

Some people judge those of us that curse as being low-class or having inferior intelligence. They perceive our use of curse words as a sign of poor vocabulary. They believe we use curse words when we could easily use a better, nicer word in it's place. Well, f$&k that sh!t! I am immune to that line of reasoning, not because I have a decent vocabulary, but because I have a satisfactory vocabulary, an adequate vocabulary, a sufficient vocabulary, an ample vocabulary.

These judgmental folks need to resist the urge to judge because there are actually many situations when cursing is not only accepted, but required. I wish I could bang my hand/foot/head and not curse. But I can't. It happens before I even realize what happened. The curse word is out of my mouth before I even have a chance to think "Oh fudgsicles!" I have no idea how to get ahead of that curve.

I became aware of my cursing prowess (what, you thought I was going to say problem?) only after I had a child. I had spent 18 months cursing with reckless abandon in front of my daughter... right up until her first "sh!t" (the first time she said it, not the first time she did it). Then all of a sudden I realized the issue. I don't really care if she does it in front of me, I just don't want my daughter to curse in front of other people. That is mainly so I don't have to use that fake guilty look when another parent gasps at my potty mouth in the presence of their sh!tty children. Sorry. I know I shouldn't be raising a child that curses. I do know that. It's not like I sing them to her and teach them like the ABCs. But sometimes I curse around her, less now than I used to, but it happens. I just hope it's not enough that she sounds like the truck driver in her kindergarden class. And who am I kidding... I think it's hilarious when she parrots a word. It gives me a chance to play evil parent mind games with her... "what frog? I don't see a frog sweetie."

Clearly they didn't do this enough when I was a kid!

With regard to specific curse words, I show them all love, (hell yeah I do!) but my current favorite is C U Next Tuesday.

I believe there is a huge untapped market in the word c#"t. Before I have the liberal feminists up in arms, hear me out. The word should be stripped of any and all associations with the female anatomy. I am pleading with society to detach that word from any and all affiliations with a lady's nether regions. If you can, you are well on your way to discovering the beauty of c#"t.  It has nothing to do with a vagina. It's neither a creative nor effective nickname for it. In that context it is crass, harsh on the ears and completely unnecessary. It has no significance and no real reason it should be used for that purpose. Like tw@t, both should be stricken from the list of available words for the vagina. If you need a nickname, stick with something like flange or bajeaniss, or for the English folks, fanny. **To the Americans reading this, fanny means front bottom to them. This should explain why English people find it so funny when we refer to a fanny pack.* Anyone that uses c"#t to mean vagina sucks. They are just trying to get a rise out of you, don't take the bait. Don't let them ruin an otherwise perfectly wonderful curse word.

Once we can eliminate the association, we are free to expose the beauty and clarity of the word as a descriptor of very specific things. It is a harsh word, I'll give you that, and therefore should not be used outside the arena of curse words. I will obviously not be letting the little darling hear this one too much. To those of you adults that will not use it as a curse word, you are missing out! There are certain times when only a "c#^t" will do.

"You are a C*#T!": People that deserve the title:
Referees that make the wrong call and don't correct themselves when given the opportunity.
People that "key" cars. That's what you call scratching the paint off a car with a key, right?
Cops that abuse their power.
People that don't merge properly into an even merge: one car from this lane, then one car from that lane.
People that don't let the person with only one item go in front of them at the grocery store. That is specifically why I HATE it when someone asks me. I know I'm a c*#t if I say no.

But it's not just for people. Inanimate objects can be c*#ts too.
A piece of cardboard that slices your hand open.
A pickle jar that doesn't open despite your best efforts.
Doors and walls that appear as if from nowhere.
Saran wrap - in particular the expensive brands for being too clingy and getting balled up immediately upon removal from the roll with seemingly no edge to be found.
Surprisingly heavy objects that manage to fall square on your foot.
Dog sh!t, anywhere you step in it.

And if we are really going to be equal opportunity ladies, the word can't be completely disassociated with females.
A lady who, despite your best efforts of being extremely sweet and nice to her and trying to make her happy, insists on being nasty and impossible to please is a c*#t.
On the flip side, a man who is out to harm someone else for no apparent reason is a c*#t.

The point is, don't knock it until you've tried it. If cursing isn't for you, I will accept that. It's not for everyone. But if you use the word "cussing" because you think "cursing" is too severe... yup, you guessed it: you too are a c*#t.


  1. Pissing myself laughing!

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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