Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Cleanse my a$$

Over the past few years I randomly get updates from various friends and acquaintances who have taken the initiative to "cleanse." I hear about all the positive effects they experience both during and after. Juice cleanses, detoxes, colon blasts... whatever it is, they're all, "I feel SOOOO great!" and "Whoa! What to do with all this energy??" and "I'm never eating bad sh!t again... Go me!" As happy as I am for them and their successes (not really), I must say it here and now...

What a crock.

You see, I've been on a detox since the end of January. No booze of any kind, no smoking, no caffeine, no soda, no raw meat or fish, no unpasteurized cheese. I've cut back on processed foods and refined sugars, increased both my exercise and sleep time and I have never felt worse.... Yes, I said worse. This cleansing thing must be some sort of hoax.

I'm tired all the time, my skin is terrible, I have no energy at all, nothing tastes great, but I am constantly hungry (not much of a change there actually). My gums are bleeding, my head aches, my nose is always runny. I don't even get that added bonus of the normal cleanse, everyone checking you out and saying how great you look, because I am only getting thicker around the middle.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that detoxed or not, I am pregnant.

Oh yes, thank you, it's wonderful, but my goodness, it really makes me see those cleanses from a whole other side. The "F this" side. I understand why I can't drink or smoke or do drugs, but what I don't understand is why we have to live in a world where deli meat is so dangerous. Momma just wants a salami sandwich, and not one that I have to microwave first... ew!

The most noticeable side effect of my "detox" has been wanting everything I can't or shouldn't have. Street meat for example: oh, if only I was one of those ladies who was turned off by weird smells like that, but no. For some reason that wafting scent of miscellaneous spices, char and salmonella tempts me every time. And they're only on every street corner now that it's nice out. I shouldn't be tempted, but I am.

I don't miss the caffeine (after about a week of horrendous headaches), couldn't really care less about fizzy drinks, and even the soft cheeses are fairly easy to navigate around. Sometimes, however, I see a tartar on a menu, any type really: salmon, tuna, steak, and I am suddenly overcome with a desire to get that raw meat in my belly. The weird part is when I realize that I don't really crave tartar when I can eat it, what's going on here? What the hell? I blame you, cleanse.

Oh, and what about that boost of energy I'm supposed to get from exercising? Where exactly is that? I am forcing myself to work out despite my newfound fatigue, but to no avail. By work out I mean walking or riding the bicycle to nowhere in the gym on a good day or strolling to the restaurant across the street instead of ordering it in on the other six days. But whatever the level of exercise, I just feel completely exhausted afterwards. Like, narcoleptic exhausted. This leads me to believe this is yet another hoax and I can no longer believe the hype.

My lesson from all this is definitely misguided, but I believe it 100% based on my own experience: don't buy into all these health fads and trends. I don't feel like I need to eat healthier, because that doesn't really do anything for me. No, clearly I just need to go for it and (over)indulge when I can, read: when I'm not creating a new life within. It seems crazy for me to make all these sacrifices when I know the future consists of watching the kid eating cheese off the ground and licking the swing chains at the park (if the big kid is any indication), but I'm doing it anyway.

All I can say is, come November, look out. I'll be sure to update you all on how great I'm doing eating fistfuls of potentially dangerous cold cuts and chasing em down with raw tuna and full-caf lattes. To each his own cleanse.

Soon we will be reunited my friends. Until then it's gonna be one long, hard summer missing you.

Anyone have a favorite thing that you know is bad for you, but you do anyway? Reality TV doesn't count. Please share and let me know so I can forgive myself if when I slip up.

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